• That is, if I understood your approach correctly, it is based on what is important to you, and among what is important to you is comfort, some kind of feeling in the relationship of accepting yourself and your needs as they are. And the relationship itself is also of great value ?
Yes, yes, yes, I would say that it is.
• What could I have seen in your life earlier that would allow me to conclude that you will get rid of this problem at the moment?
It seems to me that each of us are able to get rid of it if he really has the motivation for it. My motivation was ironclad. I honestly believe that this is available to everyone. There may be different periods: that is, someone may go faster, for example, someone will have to go longer. Well, the fact that it is possible to pass it is for sure. I know people who make their way if they have this desire.
• Maybe by some external signs I would understand that you have motivation…How would I see it in you?
Eyes are shining! This is similar to the question - how to understand in an interview with a person whether he has motivation or not. It's not easy sometimes, for this you need to look at a person not once, but several times ... I would say that a person who has motivation, according to my feelings, usually manifests it in general, in their speech and actions - that is, some situation happens, some mistake and there is deep analysis and the error is used somehow. Okay, we've stumbled now, we need to figure it out, it's unpleasant, but the situation has happened, it will just be an experience. Let's use this experience in the future, it will still benefit the result. Somehow so probably…
• The eye is burning, mistakes are considered as experience, and mistakes are sorted out?
Yes, it seems to me that whatever happens to a person they should try to relate it to their goal. In my understanding, motivation is when you don't give up, you are ready for difficulties. There are all sorts of difficulties, some may not be possible to pass right away, but like this.
• Well, now you have begun to accept yourself as you are - your values in relationships and so on. Please tell us what kind of person you are, what qualities do you possess, values, what is important for you in relationships, what is self-sufficiency for you? I remember we once discussed what it is for you, as you understand it. We discussed that you do not understand this in any generally accepted sense - you have your own definition for this word. Please tell us about it in more detail…
I would say that I began to like myself more, I really changed during this time, acquired some pleasant qualities that I thought I suddenly had. It turned out that I really have them. And some negative qualities that would seem to be negative, they, well, let's just say, turned out to be just a manifestation of reaction, rather than a quality of my character. And about the good ones, I would say that I probably really found out that I have empathy. I've always paid attention to it somehow. This is probably an acquired skill that helps me to be offended by people, and for me people are of great value, as well as communication with them. In general, this topic is important to me, and almost one of the basic needs is to communicate and be in society. I generally get sad when I don't talk to anyone for a long time. In short, like you're on a diet. I've always loved this quality in myself, I just haven't always been able to interact with people somehow. Now I have a slightly larger set of tools that allows me to avoid some situations. I would say that I am really purposeful, probably… And I really appreciate comfort. This is probably very important, I somehow accepted it in myself. Society, and in particular my society, somehow always dictated that it was necessary to plow - to work, to be successful, but something always bothered me, and I was too lazy to plow a lot, because for the sake of one area it was a pity to spend all my time. And somehow I realized that this balance is a value. There are times when there are temporary distortions. Basically I want balance. Comfort is also important to me, relationships are of great importance, it is important for me to have a close person with whom you can share your life, and that you have fun, it's fun to live through everything that happens together. For me, this is the definition of self-sufficiency. For a long time, I interpreted it this way - that it is necessary to be able to be alone, to enjoy it,. This is clearly not mine, and not my kind of story. I'm okay when I'm with someone, and in general I'm okay with it. I realized that there is no need to fight with this.
• You said that being alone and getting high from it is something that does not suit you. What kind of life would suit people like you, do you think?
Well, from what I understand at the moment, it's probably [a] saturated [life]. I like it when there are a lot of different events, a lot of different areas are covered at once, that is, work, and some hobbies, impressions and hangouts, not sitting still. At the same time there is communication in all this. I would say it's a must, but at the same time I also like to be alone, that is, hangouts are hangouts, but at home you can be relaxed, you can be yourself, you can share with a loved one… When on the one hand there is some rich history, and on the other hand it is such a cozy atmospheric home - this is combined.
• Who of those who knew your past or knew you in the past would be most likely to come to similar conclusions about you? About what you are saying about yourself now. What could they have noticed about you at an earlier age that could have led them to such conclusions?
It seems to me that all my friends know me like this. That's a plus or minus, maybe they didn't see all my sides, as we say, but it's this desire to be in the company, to live on some kind of coil, I won't say that it's full, that's for sure, it seems to me, many of my close friends saw it in general. Yes, I've always been like this in fact, even when I was in first grade, I was the first to get to know everyone. And for as long as I can remember, I've always been like this and always been drawn to people.
• It also seems to me to be some kind of curious story, about how problematic stories can spread to just one area of life, and we perceive it as something in common. The spheres of life seem to be isolated from each other, for some reason we do not transfer what is important to us in one context to another, thinking that it seems to be impossible…
Yes, it was like that, because it's a little easier with friends. I learned to build relationships with friends a little earlier, although I still consider this path unfinished. But with loved ones... a person gets close enough to the very essence of you, naturally to your pain points somewhere, and it really hit me hard. These pain points probably were hurt less in my relationships with friends, because there was less chance of getting there.
• Let's talk a little bit about the future… How does he know what you now know about yourself, about your previous experience? How will this knowledge of yours affect your next step in life? What are your expectations?
I would say that the next step for me is to try to do everything in a new way. I'm trying it out at work right now, and I have a lot of amazing discoveries going on. In a relationship like this, so that everything becomes completely new, I would say that it happened relatively recently, and this is a very interesting experience, it almost immediately bears fruit, and it's very cool. I would definitely add this: despite the fact that I have always somehow aspired to people, for some reason I have always been a little closed from them. Now it's like I've started to thaw. Well, maybe I started taking a few more risks in some contexts, I became more open to them. I think this has always been the place. I had a feeling that there was some kind of wall suddenly appearing with people, and there was a feeling that I was leaving myself. Now a little understanding has come from where it comes from. Try to take risks, open up to people - for me, this is, in fact, the next new step. I wonder what will come out of this, I'm trying to create a new experience in all areas and "treat" everything that I lacked before. Well, in general, I wonder what will happen. It turns out that it's not as scary and not as terrible as it seemed!
• What new knowledge or skills can open up prospects for you at work? How do you apply it at work..?
For me, it somehow happened now that there is one conflict situation at work. Here I have addressed the head several times, even just last week I approached again, because again there was some kind of incomprehensible situation. I came and said that, in general, I do not know what is going on, I admit that this is my personal perception, and because of some of my personal characteristics, but I no longer want to work in this team. Let's do something about it. And in general, to my great surprise... but I knew that my supervisor really cares about his team and all that... He somehow did much more than I expected, and literally on Friday he came to me and said that it was very important to him that all his employees in the team are happy and, in particular, that we feel comfortable and safe, and that I feel comfortable and safe - and this for me was: what do I deserve and why is that? It was very nice, it just made my day. It was one of the most enjoyable days this year, I would say that I have always relied on relationships at work. It's not that I'm such a cool specialist, as much as I've been able to establish relationships better, although this is probably normal for a specialist. Now I've somehow learned to do it more sincerely, take more risks, and I think it will just help me develop this skill even more, especially since I want to become a manager. For managers, the hardest skill is the ability to communicate and that's all. I can see these fruits right now..
• It turns out that your boss responded to these values and made you feel safe and comfortable at work. This act of his is some kind of contribution perhaps to your future professional identity? Experience that it is possible to listen to the employee, to make it comfortable and safe… Will this also somehow affect your future position in work?
Yes, it is very important for me to have such an example before my eyes, and in general I would also like to be such a leader. I actually try to be such a leader myself at least, and it's very nice that there is such participation. When you feel supported, it is very valuable. To be honest, I didn't expect it, although I myself strive to provide some kind of help to people. If someone runs into my walls, I will cover them(laughs) And it's nice when they do the same for you. I was so glad! It's so cool! (Smiles)
• That is, this new knowledge from personal experience has opened up opportunities for you to support safety and comfort even at work, not only in your personal life?
Yes, yes, yes, but I was able to express what was bothering me, and I did it in some kind of eco-friendly way. I understand that probably not everyone can hear, it depends on the situation, but it happened here specifically. I think in a lot of places it can work out, it's fun. That's the truth.
• Please tell me, how does this new story of the "future" differ or may differ from the "future" that would have taken place if all this had not happened?
I think my boyfriend and I would have broken up. I think there is such a possibility at least. I would definitely be less comfortable than I am now, I do not know how the stage of the pandemic would have affected it, because this was in the background of all the events. At first everything seemed like it was some kind of nonsense, but then it all changed. I don't know, it seems to me that some kind of internal conflict has intensified: on the one hand, I want something and on the other hand, I'm trying to fight it. It's hard to imagine how uncomfortable I would have been, I think very. Although it seems to me I would still have asked for help (laughs) There would be a lot of things that would differ, to be honest, the perception of some events… It's all different now. Even in similar events, a lot of things would be different. Probably that's what I can list.
• Who else should know about this? For whom can this be news? Would you like someone to know that you have become like this?
It seems to me that everyone who is important is now present in my life - my mom and boyfriend, close colleagues, for example, friends. By the way, my girlfriend will arrive at the end of August, I will definitely tell you about it, I always share it with her. Somehow it so happened that we are going through life in parallel together - some discoveries are being made correctly, it's akin to some kind of magic, it's very pleasant. I will definitely share it with her, because I know that she will just be happy for me, and it may even support her somewhere.…
• What is the most important thing for you to tell your girlfriend, what will you tell her...?
I'll probably tell her about what… Well, of course I'll tell her about everything (laughs) About the fact that I realized something important for myself: about myself and about communicating with others, and I managed to keep myself in such difficult conflicts, some emotionally colored situations - I would say this - to open up to people, it's about opening up to people in the first place.
• Opening up to people and saving yourself sounds cool and how do you think your girlfriend will react to this, to this message...?
She'll be happy for me, I know for sure. Maybe that's why it's nice to share with her. I will not discuss it with those who can't understand and rejoice with me, with those who will devalue it. (laughs)
• So how could you celebrate this achievement with your girlfriend (both smiling)
(Laughs) Are you asking?? Well, I don't know, it's just for me to sit here to enjoy talking, to discuss - this is already some kind of recognition that this happened. Well, wine of course (laughs), if that's what we're talking about.
• Wine with what? (I laugh) I can't help but ask, I can't help but wonder.
With cheese. I hope she brings some cheese.
• Tetdemoine, I remember this is your favorite cheese and mine too.
Yes, yes, yes, with that one.
Good. Thank you very much for this interview, I hope the meeting with my girlfriend will take place, have a good meeting with her and with a wonderful fragrant cheese!
• Could you tell me a few more words about the experience of working with me as a non-expert psychologist.. How was it for you? It's just very interesting.
For me personally, it was 100% hitting what I needed. I am always afraid of this condemnation. I was always waiting and living with an eye on this assessment of someone. I was very pleased that whatever happened to me, you somehow just - Yes, okay - this is your reaction. As a person, you reacted so smoothly to all this, and it was so pleasant for me. This experience supports me so much, I began to avoid the assessment of society a little more and look at my own a little more. And for me personally, it was just like medicine or something. Well, it definitely made a very big contribution. And there was definitely trust right from the first session, and this is super important, because if I don't trust someone, I wouldn't be able to open up and say something about myself. I could tell you anything, I knew that you would just listen to me, and I feel that it is always important to you, exactly how good it is for me and how I think it should be. That's what helped me get somewhere, we're not talking about any general and accepted norms, namely, we'll figure out what I want, how good I feel, how she was for me and I was some kind of center of all this. I would say so.
• And you and I have deconstructed some social stories a little. This was also in our sessions....
Yes, I really liked that too, discussing all sorts of norms, such interesting conversations -it was cool!
• A little look out of the matrix ... (I smile)
Yes, yes, yes. Who is driving all this ? (laughs) Who benefits from this?